2002-02-03-1:10 a.m.

I get made fun of a lot. I get second guessed a lot. I get taken advantage of a lot. I get put down a lot. I get decieved a lot, hurt a lot, brunt of many a joke, denied many an opportunity.

After 31 years this is what I came to realize tonight. Sometimes it doesn't pay to be a nice guy. Sometimes having an open heart just means an easier target for people who don't have my best interest at heart.

This isn't self pity, it's reality.

This is my life. The part I never write about. The hopeless part. The depressed part. The anguished part.

This is the part that hurts me more and more each day, the part that my mind swims in from the moment I wake up until the last part of consciousness at night.

I fight in my sleep even.

I don't know what to do other than write about it and write about it and write about it and write about it some more.

So here I am writing about it.

d.