2005-12-05-9:37 a.m.

I sometimes to this day realize I have a hard time of letting go of things. In my mind, 1+1 should always = 2. In math and in a narrow mindview of logical sequence, that theory holds weight.

But in life, rarely does that equation hold water. As it shouldn't. Life wouldn't be the mosaic it is if everything fit into a mindview formula.

I think the reason I find myself narrowing life into such a mindview, is because I've been hurt emotionally quite a bit. It's due to wearing my heart on my sleeve, after a while after it's been torn asunder so many times, I look to protect myself. Thus, I narrow my scope of acceptable life equation, and I concentrate on only the things that fit into those equations.

It's why I fit so neatly into my past ramblings of being the invisible man. I can shadow through life much more easily that way. Right now, it's the only way I feel life works for me. Is it right? Absolutely not. But is it comfortable? Right now, yes.

I'm slowly breaking my shell, self-psychological teaching is getting me to take baby steps to get back to who I was before past events drove me to bury my head in the sand. If I rush into it headlong, I feel I may permanently damage any hope of recovering myself.

So I plod along, playing Mr. Invisible, so I can sit outside of unconventional events, and dictate conventional wisdom. It keeps my sanity for the time being.

I've been writing so much more lately, and a lot of it is from my Id. This I've recently been taught, the three personality traits. So I've used what I've learned to delve into myself to find out more about how my mind ticks. My Id has been dormant so long it's rusty and dusty, so I've been letting it out of the closet here and there, a little at a time, to prepare it for the work it must do.

My Superego still controls most of my action, my Superego is the invisible man. It's what most people see. It's due to mistakes I've made in the past, I put it in control in most public situations.

My ego is me at home. Right now it's the place I feel most comfortable and in balance and control of the Id and Superego. I'm slowly developing my ego to be the balance outside of the roof over my head. When I get to this stage, the invisible man will be gone as well, as I become more comfortable.

In the end, what this means, 1+1=2.

But tomorrow 1+1=3 might not bother me.

It's a positive step.